why am i never horny

8 Reasons You're not Horny — And How to Get the Mojo Back. - Happily : HappilyMental Health Personal GrowthRelations Family LifeNeed help? Recently diagnosed? Talk to someoneCurrent So you're not a "10" anyway. But you're probably quite spectacular somehow, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. If there ever was a time to stop beating yourself up as a human being, it is now. Recent newsEssential ReadsTrending TopicsSearch Find a therapist Get helpMembers Get help Mental Health Personal GrowthRelations Family LifeNeed help? Recently diagnosed? Talk to someoneMagazine So you're not a "10" anyway. But you're probably quite spectacular somehow, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. If there ever was a time to stop beating yourself up as a human being, it is now. TodayNewsEssential ReadsTrending Topics Verified by Psychology Today Do not expect the desire: Retrocede the equation Don't wait to be hot to have sex. Instead, have sex to get hot! Published April 29, 2013 Silence THE BASICS There is a council, empined in scientific evidence, which has the potential to improve countless lives. This advice is more relevant to women in long-term engaged relationships. The advice is this: If you wait until you feel hot to have sex, you can never have sex again! Therefore, do not wait to feel warm to participate in a sexual encounter. Instead, put it in your schedule and allow the sexual encounter itself to get hot. This advice goes against everything we are taught. We are taught that the sexual response cycle is linear, starting with sexual desire. These feelings of desire make us look for sex. Sex excites us. If we are lucky, we have a . Then we pass a resolution or rest phase. In other words, the cycle is one of desire, excitement, orgasm, resolution. Rinse, lather and repeat. However, this linear model does not fit for most women. As explained in a previous post ("), research tells us that most women in long-term relationships stop feeling spontaneously horny. In fact, according to the subject, this happens by a large percentage of women as soon as one or two years in a long-term relationship and often coincides with fatigue and multiple demands associated with having children. The problem is that most women don't know that this loss of desire is to wait and end up feeling that something is wrong with them. When their feelings of desire diminish or disappear, some women stop having sex completely. Others continue to have sexual intercourse for reasons other than desire, and end up enjoying once it is underway. Often, these women are still embarrassed and refer to this as "woman of duty." It's not. Pointing to the title of my previous blog, if it's fun, it's not duty sex. And, in point with the title of this blog: Do not expect the desire. What to do instead? Decide your ideal frequency with your partner and schedule sexual encounters accordingly. In other words, as suggested in another of my, have a test, a meeting planned among lovers, with your partner. You can get your mind and body ready for this attempt, and increase your chances of being fabulously pleasing, in a variety of ways including: All these tips and more can be found in , which shows increases of desire, satisfaction and excitement in women who read it. Another idea not in the book is to insert a lubricant into the vagina immediately prior to your test. You can use the and a great lube like (both of which are recommended as part of women struggling with vaginal dryness, that I discussed in one as another sexual subject that women do not usually talk about). Although I have not yet performed a scientific experiment on this (although I am planning one), that is why I think this works. For many women, the feeling of being hot includes vaginal lubrication. So, putting some lubrication into one's vagina can cause the old, longing for feelings of desire. I'd love to hear feedback from readers who try this. However, although this last suggestion does not work for you, I hope the main point does and that is: Do not wait to be warm to have sex. Instead, having sex to get hot. It invests the long-term equation; it does not fit for most women in long-term relationships. Many feet of women become bigger after , and have to find a new shoe size. The same is true of sexual desire; most of the levels of desire of women decrease as they age, as they have children, and as a relationship progresses. Just as it is not comfortable to put the wrong size shoes, it will not work to rely on a model of desire that no longer fits your current stage of life. Don't wait to be hot to have sex. Instead, have sex to get hot! The largest erogenous zone is the mind. Think of XXX thoughts about and participate in sensual massages with your partner and the next thing you know, you're in the mood. I agree, after a stressful day, desire rarely arises spontaneously. You have to think and anticipate how focused and great it feels during and then you will find yourself anxious. Or in the case of DH and I, we find that we are more excited in the morning and I would rather go to sleep a little earlier, leaving a little more time in the AM for good things:-). I'm so glad you read, comment and add to what I said. Good for you and DH that you already know how to make time for sex and loving connection, without spontaneous desire. I hope that other readers will inspire in their sharing!Thanks I have learned a lot It's me exactly! Since my second year of marriage, I thought I should break up. Well, 12 years later, and things just got worse. Thanks for this. I think this could save my marriage. It's important that men understand that women work differently and just because we're not all sex addicts doesn't mean we don't have sex with them. Like you said, I enjoy it when it's happening, I don't get hot before the act. I'm glad to hear I'm not abnormal. I'm very happy this information will help you! Thanks for taking the time to warn me. Laurie Mintz I've always liked the word assignment. You should have said assignment 69 times instead of trying. Publication Comment About AuthorLaurie Mintz, Ph.D. is a psychologist, professor at the University of Florida, and the author of the Women's Guide to Passionate Sex and Become a Cliterate: Why does equality of orgasm matter and how to get it? Read NextSex Essential Reads Get the help you need from a therapist near you – a FREE Psychology Service Today. Cities:Recent Issues

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